The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and to say that I am excited would be an understatement of the year. It’s the only time of the year, where I can dress to the nines and pretend I am a million bucks. I’ll be donning my finest Dolce & Gabbana suit as well as my fedora and will be smoking the finest imported cigars, America has to offer. If you are not insanely jealous, you are missing out on life.

All of this aside, in order for me to look like a million bucks, I must be acting like a million bucks. So that is why I present to you, Gonzo’s original 2013 Kentucky Derby picks. This is a sure fire way to start that new life you have always wanted. If you want to act like a millionaire, you got to be a millionaire and this is how you get there, just follow my lead.

Here is the complete field for the 2013 Kentucky Derby:

Post Horse Jockey Trainer Odds
1 Black Onyx Joe Bravo Kelly Breen 50-1
2 Oxbow Gary Stevens D. Wayne Lukas 30-1
3 Revolutionary Calvin Borel Todd Pletcher 10-1
4 Golden Soul Robby Albarado Dallas Stewart 50-1
5 Normandy Invasion Javier Castellano Chad Brown 12-1
6 Mylute Rosie Napravnik Tom Amoss 15-1
7 Giant Finish Jose L. Espinoza Anthony W. Dutrow 50-1
8 Goldencents Kevin Krigger Doug O’Neill 5-1
9 Overanalyze Rafael Bejarano Todd Pletcher 15-1
10 Palace Malice Mike Smith Todd Pletcher 20-1
11 Lines of Battle Ryan Moore Aidan O’Brien 30-1
12 Itsmyluckyday Elvis Trujillo Eddie Plesa Jr. 15-1
13 Falling Sky Luis Saez John Terranova II 50-1
14 Verrazano John R. Velazquez Todd Pletcher 4-1
15 Charming Kitten Edgar Prado Todd Pletcher 20-1
16 Orb Joel Rosario Claude R. McGaughey III 7-2
17 Will Take Charge Jon Court D. Wayne Lukas 20-1
18 Frac Daddy Victor Lebron Kenny McPeek 50-1
19 Java’s War Julien Leparoux Kenny McPeek 15-1
20 Vyjack Garrett Gomez Rudy Rodriguez 15-1

— Verrazono, is the odds on favorite bet here. Surely to come in top 3, but we are not betting for a top 3 finish, we are betting for the winner and Verrazono is not our answer. Favorites have a reputation for blowing it, especially in horse racing. It’s like a sucker bet, you see they have the best odds, the best starting position and points, so you bet large. But as history has proven time and time again, favorites always find a way to slip out of that top place finish. If you want to be a member of the herd, Derby Saturday, place your bet on Verrazono, because whether he wins or loses, you are in the same boat as everybody else.

— You want to know a sure fire way to NOT be a millionaire? Put your mortgage on either of the two horses named after a kitten. They named their horse kitten? Are you serious? Anything with kitten in the name, might be the worse name in the history of names. Cats suck, plain and simple. If you own a cat, I am genuinely not sorry for you. That being said, in the history of the Derby, there has never been a winner with kitten in its name. So stay far away from these two.

— History has a way of repeating itself, what does that mean Gonzo you ask? Well it simply means, place your bet on a horse with a jockey who has a Spanish sounding last name. Is that stereotyping? No, no it’s not, because it’s a proven fact. The vast majority of the time the jockey of the winning horse is going to have a Spanish or South American sounding last name. I don’t just make this type of stuff up, Wikipedia has my back. So this will really help you narrow down you pick selection even farther. Pretty simple stuff I know.

— Bouncing off the above idea, that history does in fact repeat itself. The previous 6 winners have had horses with names that are 2 words or more. And in large part, in recent modern day history, the vast majority of winners have two or more words in their name. So stay away from the single word named horses, they are trouble. The caveat here is, if they have a cool sounding name feel free to choose them at your own risk.

— Free word of advice, never bet on a horse that has more than a 30-1 odd of winning. It’s just stupid, that’s not how millionaires roll. You have to be smart about this, not just hope for a miracle on Golden Soul on 50-1. That’s how you end up on the streets or in some psych ward, we would not want that.

All of this being said, come Saturday, I will be placing my 401k on…..Normandy Invasion. Jockeyed by Javier Castellano, at 12-1 odds, it’s not a huge leap of faith on my part, but it’s a good horse with a great jockey, and as long as he can overcome his starting position and quickly get into the mix with the big boys, he will be a solid finish for us.

If I had to pick another, it will be Revolutionary at 10-1 odds. Great jockey in Calvin Borel. He has been there and won twice before, has the experience to get it done again. Also Revolutionary is a great name for a horse and if I am betting solely on the name of the horse, this takes the proverbial cake.

Book either of those two listed above and you are golden, literally golden.


*update* Updated odds and post positions from the Kentucky Derby Twitter Account