So last night was one of those rare nights in the sports world, where there was literally nothing on involving sports (sports that are relevant at least) and naturally ESPN being the asshat of a network that they are, forced America to watch their damn award show. I being the blogger that I am, obliged to their forced brainwashing *cough Heat, cough* and watched like the peasant that I am.

I’m sure most of our avid readers here, watched some if not all of it, so I will spare you with the play by play bullshit and just get right into the nitty gritty of things, aka picking on people:

Starting it off at the Red Carpet pre-show, ESPN decided to get all sexual on us and aired a DeAndre Jordan tweet regarding Jon Hamm’s, package should we say:

k-bigpicFor those unaware, Mr. Hamm here “supposedly” is well endowed. Just Google; “Jon Hamm____” and you fill in the blank with your own creative name for male penis and you will get the idea.

Colin Kaepernick was the definition of America last night, including the fact that he worse his sunglasses inside, so America, I can’t take it:

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LBJ, looked like a damn movie theatre usher aka; a grade A douchebag (note sunglasses):

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Brandon Marshall also looked like a usher, but his suit was at least made of velvet straight from India or wherever they make velvet, not to mention he got to stand next to my girl K-Webb. Automatically better then LBJ could ever be:

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Speaking of K-Webb, both her and Marissa Miller single handily won the ESPY’s. K-Webb just doing the damn thing per usual and Miller coming in flaming hot on the Red Carpet. Also her designer deserves a Nobel Peace Price:

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Danica Patrick can’t drive a car for shit, but hey, she still looks decent and I’m pretty sure that is all that matters. Am I right or am I right?

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Jon Hamm actually made a pretty funny joke(s) about Dwight Howard last night, gotta hand him that. Although, it’s not exactly the hardest thing to do in the World:

Michael Phelps taunted us throughout the night, by him showing off his new slam piece, who knew swimming was such a big deal:

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It also got a bit dusty last night as well, and like I tweeted last night, if you didn’t shed once single tear than quite frankly you are not a human being and should just go hangout with Casey Anthony:

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Also, Terrell Owens was walking the Red Carpet (no photo proof, yet, working on it though), even though he stated he wasn’t, bizarro indeed:

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In other news, the Miami Heat won an award created by ESPN, go figure…:

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And lastly, like mother, like daughter. That’s Alex Morgan and her mother for you nimrods out there:

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-Gonzo

 

 

 

 

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