So it’s Halloween and I’m in a super festive mood. I was gonna make a list of the best halloween candy, but that was to hard, so because I’m lazy, I’ll take the easy route and create a list of the worst halloween candy that you got growing up. And trust me there is a lot of options so I’ll do top 5 worse.
**Bear in mind I’m a 90’s baby, so you old people might be confuzzled.
5) Wax Lips
Literally the worst toy candy ever. Tasted like shit. Looked disgusting. Was impossible to trade off at school because no one else like them and all it did was take up valuable space in my tiny trick-or-treat bucket.
This was like the poor mans version of laffy taffy. It was hard as a rock, tasted like shit and I would rather have eaten cardboard.
3) Double Bubble
It’s not that I hated gum, it’s just that I hated getting gum by the bucket loads that the flavor would literally last no longer than 90 seconds. You would have to shove like 10 pieces in your mouth just to get some good flavor going and then pretend it’s like chaw for the rest of the time.
2) Necco Wafers
Most pointless candy ever invented. It was like eating chalk. It’s like the rice cakes of candy. Just utter garbage. And back in the day, for some reason everybody in their mother handed these flavored chalk out. Gross.
1) Candy Corn
Oh yayyy! Colored wax, just what I wanted. Not. By far, hands down the worst candy of all time. And if you disagree you have no taste buds congrats. They might as well just have handed my a candle and told me Happy Halloween.
Raisins/Fruit/Pencils/Stickers are all in the top 5, but those aren’t candy so I decided to not include them. And if you were one of those people to hand me raisins. Fuck you.
Hey USA hockey team, just a general FYI but we where in the middle of a godamn Cold War you simply can’t be going out there and getting crushed by Sweden 17-2 when the commies of the USSR are creating a dynasty on the ice, right in front of our faces. Simply can’t let that happen. Where was Herb Brooks when you needed him?
“Christ, who are we sending over there, girls?” <—-This is the greatest line I have ever heard. Kennedy, such boss
Side note, I just realized we used to talk fucking weird back in the day. So upper echelon if you will. So formal. America has gone downhill in the talking department ever since, yo…
Also, no idea when this was recorded, but I find it incredible eerie that JFK died not too long after this.
Ohhh Dufner! Man is in a perpetual state of McKayla Maroney’s ‘Not Impressed’ face. Whether he is on team USA and just won the Presidents Cup or he is celebrating in China with some crazy ass ancient Chinamen. There is 3 things in life and only 3 things in life that Dufner gives two shits about 1) Golf 2) Titties 3) Beer. That’s called the DufnerTrifecta.
Well Jiminy Crickets Sears!! What the fuck are you trying to do to me here. Go online to oder my fab Packers jersey and bam get a giant dildo dong straight in my eyeball. Not a good way to start any day.
First things first, if you shop at Sears for clothing you are an idiot. Almost deserve to have a dildo pop up on your screen.
Secondly, how in the flying fuck is that shirt worth $70? 70 goddamn dollars? Are you joking? Is it made out of Egyptian Caterpillar Silk with a 2300 thread count? Give me a break on that shit.
Thirdly, I’m by far the next dildo expert, but is that even a dildo? It can’t be right? To be honest it looks more like an molded dick that you hang on your mantle or wall like a hunting trophy, rather than a dildo. And why is there two of the same “coffee” dildos? Is that racist?
So Halloween is still two full days away and this past weekend everyone in their mother dressed up for Halloween as if it was actually Halloween night. A encore for the actual Halloween if you will.
Anywho, a couple great ‘couple’ costumes came out of this past weekend and honestly they are all outstanding works of art.
First we have the great Alex Morgan (my crush FYI, nbd, but kbd) and Sydney Leroux who are Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke respectively. Honestly I hate it. So overdone and non-orginal. But because it’s Alex Morgan it’s a 10. Oh and if you don’t think I would pay to trade places with Sydney in that Vine, you don’t know me as a person.
Then we have Tom Brady and his wife Gisele rocking the Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion look. Love it. Such a classic little throwback there. Brady being the Cowardly Lion is so perfect too. That smirk kiss face from Brady is so cowardly I can’t handle it.
Then finally we have the coup de gras, Christian and Samantha Ponder as Squints and Wendy Peffercorn. This could not be more perfect. Honestly the best duo costume I have ever laid eyes on. It helps that Samantha is a bonfire smokeshow too.
This was every child’s dream girl growing up. And if you say otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
Since I’m an impotent internet blogger who is indecisive. You tell me who wore it better.
Remember this guy? Well apparently this guy is in fact not a Kansas City Chiefs fan instead he is a North Carolina State University fan. Yup, one of our readers pointed that out. Oh well tomato, tomahto really.
EPG wins on this one, for now. I’ll get you EPG, I’ll get you.