Man Steals Police Car, Promptly Crashes into Telephone Pole

ST. ALBANS, Vt. –

A Vermont man is due in court Monday afternoon after leading St Albans police on a chase with one of their own cruisers.

Police say it all started when they tried to stop Rodger Patenaude as he was walking down North Elm Street Sunday night.

“Officers were attempting to arrest a subject wanted on a warrant, he is well known to the officers. There was a foot pursuit and he was just ahead of the officer and he managed to jump into the cruiser. As the officer jumped over the snow bank to try to stop him, he actually struck the officer with the car, as he fled away,” said St. Albans Police Chief Gary Taylor.

The officer was not badly hurt. Other officers gave chase, but it didn’t last long. Police say Patenaude crashed the stolen cruiser into a telephone pole on Route 104. He’s expected to face multiple charges Monday.

Well isn’t this some GTA V type shit. Ordinarily, I don’t support criminals, but you gotta respect the hustle from this guy. Honestly, if my life was in the shitter and I was high on drugs, I’d want to joy rode in a cop car too, you just simpler can’t know on that type of hustle and dedication. Only problem your boy Patenaude had here was usually when you’re cracked out enough to steal a cop car, you’re most likely cracked out enough to not see a giant pole on the side of the road.

And  while we are on the topic of GTA, I’m impressed he was able to steal the cop car so easily. I can barely do it clean on GTA V without getting 4 stars. I always have to do in a shooting blaze of glory. Just sucks for this guy to not even reach two stars….what a pussy.

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-Gonzo

Woman Crush Wednesday — Kaylyn Kyle (Soccer Player)

Introducing Kaylyn Kyle, America discovered her in this most recent woman’s World Cup in the US vs. Canada epic game. But now she gets her Benchwarmers Sports debut…enjoy:

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-Gonzo

 

Jason Dufner Getting Dragged On A Hike With His Wife

“Generally speaking, I don’t do much hiking” might be the quote of the century, just a classic Dufner line. Guy is just a living legend. Out kicked his coverage by a solid mile in a half, but who gives a shit when you’re a PGA player, I certainly don’t. Dufner is just playing the game. Girl wants to go for a scenic  nature walk? Then you bring her on said nature walk and reap the rewards later that night, while he his packing a massive dip and going to town on his smokestack of a wife.

P.S. Sneaky favorite quote of this video, is when his wife says “ohhh look at that tree” and Dufner promptly replies with “Yup”.

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-Gonzo

Dennis Rodman singing Happy Birthday to Kim Jong-Un

Okay so this video was breaking the inter webs this past week, America in a uproar that Rodman was singing Happy Birthday to little baby face Kimmy Jong. Personally, it doesn’t bother me, but I will say watching this was awkward as fuck. I felt like at any moment, Baby Face was gonna sic his little minions on me for not clapping or something along those lines.

That aside, there were a couple of highlights, a couple of North Korea Top 4 plays if you will:

4) Their arena or auditorium or whatever they call it, is kinda of awesome and cool looking. Aside from the fact that it reeks of dictatorship, communism and rigorously ordered, it’s pretty cool.

3) I love all of the American just clapping along cue with everyone else. Like you know damn well they don’t want to clap for Baby Face, but you also know that they are thinking; “if I don’t clap, I’m being sent out to the dogs.” 

2) Rodman having both first and last name on his jersey his such a power move. Just fighting for that #1 spot on the power move rankings with Kimmy Jong-Un, however, Baby Face wins in a landslide.

1)And several people from this crowd were without a doubt brought out back at the end of the game and executed, mainly;

#1: For simply being to fat and not up to snuff on the dress code. Hey bro, didn’t you know North Korea is in poverty and malnourish up to their eyeballs? You can’t be seen looking like the Asian Pillsbury doughboy in public like that. Now the American’s might not send food to your dear leader.

#2: He was probably executed simply for picking his nose during Baby Faces birthday song. How dare you pick your nose during that song.

#3a/b: Not sure if these two were actually executed, but if we learned one thing, that’s turtlenecks are still in style in North Korea. Buncha turtleneck savages over there in NK.

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-Gonzo

University of Houston Band Chick Going Straight Beast Mode

Trumpet game, so hot right now, trumpet game. Welp, my almost Alma Mater is looking good. I guess you can’t blame such tenacity when you get to travel to bowl games for free. Trumpet game doesn’t stop for no one, just ask this UH chick.

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-Gonzo

NFL Failing To Sell Out Playoff Games In Three Cities

If you happen to live under a rock or simply don’t follow sporting news 24/7, then you may have missed this, otherwise I’m sure everyone has heard that the NFL is struggling to sell out three playoff games in Green Bay, Cincinnati and Indianapolis respectively. Don’t believe me? Well see here, here and here. Let’s also point out that the struggle to bring fans into stadiums during playoffs isn’t just an NFL problem, MLB is also struggling as well, even the perennial powerhouse New York Yankees have their attendance flaws in October.

However, if you are anyone that has half a brain, none of this should come as any surprise. Let’s start with the Green Bay Packers, who have a sell out record at some 300+ consecutive games and have a season ticket waiting list a mile long. Often regarded as one of the best fan bases in all of sports, many seem to be surprised that the Packers are failing to put butts into the seats this upcoming Sunday. But I’m not.

Perhaps this all could be over the fact that ticket prices to NFL playoff games are sky-high, I’m talking some $200-$300 base starting price per ticket. Not to mention you have to pay for parking which is just stupidly priced and then you have things like expensive shitty stadium food to pay for and beer which per ounce seems to be comparable to gold prices.

Oh and shall we not forget, in Green Bay, it’s forecasted to be colder than Antarctica ( Yes, I exaggerated for creative effect) on Sunday. Temperatures not even above zero and a combined wind chill bringing it to a bone numbing -30+ degrees F. Sure, this excuse can not be applied to Indianapolis or even Cincinnati, but for this, the weather is a contributing factor for the empty seats in Green Bay.

All of that being said, why the actual fuck would a family or even a couple want to shell out a grand or even two grand to go watch a 3 hour football game in the barren hell that is Mother Nature. When one can simply go buy a 30 rack of light beer for $20 order some food for $30 and plop your fat ass on your sofa and watch it on your massive LCD HD television, which will give you better views than any seat in that stadium. Sitting in your living room, getting drunk with your buddies with your jersey on doesn’t make you any less of a fan or a fair-weather fan, or petty.  It makes you smart, sensible and drunk with a much heavier wallet or bank account.

So as a fan and as a sensible human being, I will politely go tell Roger Goodell to go fuck himself and his blackouts.

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-Gonzo