Category: 4th And Long


UH band

Trumpet game, so hot right now, trumpet game. Welp, my almost Alma Mater is looking good. I guess you can’t blame such tenacity when you get to travel to bowl games for free. Trumpet game doesn’t stop for no one, just ask this UH chick.

-Gonzo

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If you happen to live under a rock or simply don’t follow sporting news 24/7, then you may have missed this, otherwise I’m sure everyone has heard that the NFL is struggling to sell out three playoff games in Green Bay, Cincinnati and Indianapolis respectively. Don’t believe me? Well see here, here and here. Let’s also point out that the struggle to bring fans into stadiums during playoffs isn’t just an NFL problem, MLB is also struggling as well, even the perennial powerhouse New York Yankees have their attendance flaws in October.

However, if you are anyone that has half a brain, none of this should come as any surprise. Let’s start with the Green Bay Packers, who have a sell out record at some 300+ consecutive games and have a season ticket waiting list a mile long. Often regarded as one of the best fan bases in all of sports, many seem to be surprised that the Packers are failing to put butts into the seats this upcoming Sunday. But I’m not.

Perhaps this all could be over the fact that ticket prices to NFL playoff games are sky-high, I’m talking some $200-$300 base starting price per ticket. Not to mention you have to pay for parking which is just stupidly priced and then you have things like expensive shitty stadium food to pay for and beer which per ounce seems to be comparable to gold prices.

Oh and shall we not forget, in Green Bay, it’s forecasted to be colder than Antarctica ( Yes, I exaggerated for creative effect) on Sunday. Temperatures not even above zero and a combined wind chill bringing it to a bone numbing -30+ degrees F. Sure, this excuse can not be applied to Indianapolis or even Cincinnati, but for this, the weather is a contributing factor for the empty seats in Green Bay.

All of that being said, why the actual fuck would a family or even a couple want to shell out a grand or even two grand to go watch a 3 hour football game in the barren hell that is Mother Nature. When one can simply go buy a 30 rack of light beer for $20 order some food for $30 and plop your fat ass on your sofa and watch it on your massive LCD HD television, which will give you better views than any seat in that stadium. Sitting in your living room, getting drunk with your buddies with your jersey on doesn’t make you any less of a fan or a fair-weather fan, or petty.  It makes you smart, sensible and drunk with a much heavier wallet or bank account.

So as a fan and as a sensible human being, I will politely go tell Roger Goodell to go fuck himself and his blackouts.

-Gonzo

badpuntHey #82, once you pull your head out of the field and dust the cobwebs from your brain, from that concussion come talk to me about how to run. I’m not an expert in running, but I know full well the golden rule is to not face plant your dome piece into the 50 yard line. If you can’t get the fundamentals down, then step aside and let your boy Gonzo take the helm.

Oh and can we stop with the absurd names for all of these bowls? Yeah I understand it’s about the money in the naming rights, but is it possible to limit it to one word companies? Like the Ford Bowl? Or the Verizon Bowl? The “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” can go fuck itself. If I can’t say it 3 times fast, it shouldn’t exist.

-Gonzo

Browns FanDepression city, population 390,928, aka the entire population of Cleveland. Like Jimmy Crickets, I can’t even think of a entire city that is in a perpetual state of depression like Cleveland is. Ya, Detroit still remains a strong #1 seed, but not gonna lie, Cleveland is a close 2nd.

It has come to the point where I think I would rather live in Detroit than have to live in Cleveland. At least Detroit at 4 teams for me to get depressed too, whereas Cleveland only has the hot mess that is the Browns, and the Cavaliers, who haven’t been relevant since LBJ took his talents to Miami.

And while we are on the subject, I respect the hell out of this guy. That’s some serious dedication. 15 years!? 15 fucking years of Browns depression? Guy deserves a Purple Heart for his valor. I would have already offed myself if that was me.

-Gonzo

Jerry Jones Plays God

It’s Jerry’s world and we just live in it. Still not convinced that saying is true? Well take a look at this.  Tony Romo, Jerry’s super expensive quarterback suffered a back injury in the ever so important win against Washington (Video below, sorry for the quality, thanks Bleacher Report)

Romo would finish out the game, throwing a last minute checkdown pass touchdown to win it. However, shortly after ESPN’s top secret agents, Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen reported that Romo was in fact done for the season. Hell, Mort even said he needed surgery!

So the whole world is acknowledging that Romo can’t play. I mean, hell, he has a goddamn hernia. My uncle had one once and he could barely breathe. Tough one for the ‘Boys right?

Wrong. Jerry has different ideas. According to ESPN Jerry Jones won’t rule out Romo for Sundays potential playoff clinching game. Yep, Jerry Jones now dictates how bad an injury is, the man is officially God. For Christmas he better get Romo some cortisone shots cause it is gonna be a long game.

Slight update, it appears the Cowboys have brought in a few QB’s, namely David Carr and John Skelton. Because hey, if they’re going to lose they might as well bring in guys who know how to do it. Oh and their backup? Yeah that’s Kyle Orton who looks like he still has a home in Colorado if ya know what I mean.

Fabio Orton (Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports)

Well Merry Christmas Cowboys fans! It’s going to be just like your family holiday party, dysfunctional and probably full of alcohol.

-El Perro Grande

What’s up ya mutts?! Been a while, I know. Blame Obama. But really blame college finals for the lack of awesome writing from myself, EPG and the Black Pearl.

Anyways, back on the blog grind, spitting out fire flame blogs.

We start off with Steve Spurrier getting his gym game on with your ever so casual exercise ball ‘Hump Thrusts’. Yes, you read that right, take a look at this form:

Spurrier Gym

 

No wonder why my abs are non-existent, I have been completely ignoring the hump thrust rotations in my gym routine. Such an idiot move on my part. When you want to look the best, you have to be the best and the only way to go about that, is with the hump thrust. Just completely reinventing the core workout and that’s something you have to respect.

P.S. Somewhere in there, there is a way to make a joke about the South Carolina Gamecocks, I’m just not smart enough to wrap my head around it.

-Gonzo

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Well Jiminy Crickets Sears!! What the fuck are you trying to do to me here. Go online to oder my fab Packers jersey and bam get a giant dildo dong straight in my eyeball. Not a good way to start any day.

First things first, if you shop at Sears for clothing you are an idiot. Almost deserve to have a dildo pop up on your screen.

Secondly, how in the flying fuck is that shirt worth $70? 70 goddamn dollars? Are you joking? Is it made out of Egyptian Caterpillar Silk with a 2300 thread count? Give me a break on that shit.

Thirdly, I’m by far the next dildo expert, but is that even a dildo? It can’t be right? To be honest it looks more like an molded dick that you hang on your mantle or wall like a hunting trophy, rather than a dildo. And why is there two of the same “coffee” dildos? Is that racist?

 

-Gonzo

But seriously….kill me please.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-7 in pictures:

Sad rhino man and rhino mans girlfriend:

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BagHead. Love it.

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One lady cracked out one guy passed out. Average age in this picture 76. So Bucs

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#MRSAgate

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Hand me the booty…bucs2-480x289

Reinventing the BagHead. At $10 a beer, you might as well drink it in style.

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Living in the past is seriously about the only option at this point. I respect this move.

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Is it bad when the opposing fans are rooting for your coach to be fired?

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At least someone from the Bucs won the night? Keeping on, keeping on Mr. Pirate man.

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But seriously, fuck this…

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-Gonzo

 

 

Remember this guy?
Capture80-439x640Well apparently this guy is in fact not a Kansas City Chiefs fan instead he is a North Carolina State University fan. Yup, one of our readers pointed that out. Oh well tomato, tomahto really.

EPG wins on this one, for now. I’ll get you EPG, I’ll get you.

-Gonzo

 

So, this is what you could call a retaliatory post to Gonzo’s most recent post about the Kansas City Chiefs, who happen to me my favorite team (Tomahawk Chop for Chiefs Nation). Now, Gonzo is a fan of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, or whatever it is that shows up to games in Tampa Bay. Now, Gonzo tried to take a shot at KC, and he mentioned something that I thought should be brought to light. The Buccaneers are a walking (dead) infection.

Tynes will battle on (Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports)

Players in Tampa Bay have been coming down with the infectious skin disease MRSA left and right. They believe that it started with kicker Lawrence Tynes, who is now suing the Bucs due to what he calls a “PR cover-up”.

Now, Gonzo tried to sweep the whole MRSA thing under the rug, however, this stuff is legitimately frightening, like people die from this. The aforementioned Tynes has undergone three surgeries and is worried about losing his toe, meanwhile last year’s prize free agent guard Carl Nicks just underwent surgery of his own to battle the wicked MRSA.

STAY BACK! (via)

It’s gotten to the point where teams who have to play the Bucs in the next few weeks are actually thinking about this disease in the back of the mind. So yes, the Bucs are so bad that they can’t win a game of football even though opposing players are afraid to touch them…I see why Josh Freeman was so excited to leave.

-El Perro Grande

P.S. I was going to include a picture of MRSA, but Jesus, you don’t want to see that…if you do, google it, and quickly find a bucket.